***Courtesy of: http://www.blogactionday.org
Several years ago, I was feeling a bit lonely and sort of bored. On a whim, I tried using Omegele for the first time, without much success. For an hour or so, all I got was repeated requests for A/S/L, etc., etc. I was starting to get fed up, when a young girl was paired with me. A freshman in high school, maybe younger. A runner. A fairly diligent student. She seemed pleased to be matched up with an older woman, and cheerily asked me for little tidbits of advice about life, the universe, and everything. Nothing of a serious nature.
She had a boyfriend, she told me. He was also a runner. They spent their time together, doing homework, and generally just hanging out. A happy couple.
At least, that's what she said at first.
The conversation began to shift from its more lighthearted tone to a strangely more solemn one. She began asking questions about boys and sex. She told me that her boyfriend had been pressuring her for sex, but she was hesitant to say yes. I told her that, if she wasn't ready, she shouldn't feel any obligation to give in. She wasn't so sure.
After a quick talk about college, the conversation soon ended. I gave her my email address, telling her that she could talk to me whenever she needed.
Barely a day later, I got an email from her, saying that she needed someone to talk to. He had gotten worse, and that she didn't know what to do.
She was scared. She was embarrassed.
I told her the only things that I could think to say. Her boyfriend didn't sound mature or respectful. First time sex is painful. Pregnancy is always a risk, even with the pill or condoms, and don't even get me started on "pulling out". Talk to her parents or a counselor.
She didn't feel comfortable talking to any adults. And when she had tried to say no to her boyfriend, he hurt her. No specifics, but that was enough for me to feel fire in my veins. He hurt her, and that was enough to coerce her into "just getting it over with."
I asked her to reconsider. He had no right to do this to her. She needed to get someone involved.
"I can't. I'm just going to do it and hope for the best. He won't hurt me if I just do it."
My mind was screaming. There was no convincing her to stop, so I at least tried to ask her to use protection.
He was refusing. He said he wouldn't feel anything. And that was that. She was going.
A few hours later, she emailed me back.
"It's over." was the subject line.
It hurt. She was bleeding.
"I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. Just tell me what to do, please."
I gave her what advice I could. Take the morning after pill. Keep an eye on her period. Make an appointment with a gyno. Talk to her parents. And break up with her boyfriend.
After I made sure she had taken the pill, we never talked again. It's been almost three years since it happened. When I tell friends this tale, they tell me that I did all I could. She was just a scared girl who needed an earpiece. We cannot save others from themselves if they don't want it. It's time to put this to rest. And in my head, I know that they are right.
But I still blame myself.
If only I had been more persuasive. If only I had said the right things. In my sad, little mind, my only consolation is the possibility that this was all an elaborate prank by some random stranger on the Internet who wanted to troll some chump. I guess they succeeded.
And in my heart, I hate a boy that I have never met.
But is it his fault? We live in a strange, terrible world where people can be traded like chattel and breeding stock. I'm ever fortunate to live in a country where I can be considered, should be considered, the equal of a man, but sometimes, it's not always the case. There are children who are hurting each other because a person has the power to force another to give up their body in perverse unwanted ways. And maybe no one ever taught him otherwise. To him, it was just ok. She was his girlfriend, and it was his right.
By textbook definition, she wasn't raped. She said yes. She consented. And somehow, that makes it ok.
I guess this is the part where I direct you to the cause. But it's really more than a simple cause for me. I didn't even know her. Nothing happened to me. But it is a memory that I will always have to live with.
Anyway. I encourage you to check out the following:
Project Unbreakable is a beautiful, tragic, and simple site meant to raise awareness about sexual abuse.
A Safe World For Women is a group of non-profits focused on social equality around the world.
I can't force you to care. I can't force you to think about any of this. But I can ask.
Until the next.
***
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***
Addendum: I want to clarify, now, that I am not ignoring the rape of men and transgendered people. Rape, ANY rape, is horrendous and should not be shuffled off because of misguided shame. This story just happened to be about a girl, and by current statistics, a woman is more likely to be the victim of sexual abuse than a man.
I asked her to reconsider. He had no right to do this to her. She needed to get someone involved.
"I can't. I'm just going to do it and hope for the best. He won't hurt me if I just do it."
My mind was screaming. There was no convincing her to stop, so I at least tried to ask her to use protection.
He was refusing. He said he wouldn't feel anything. And that was that. She was going.
A few hours later, she emailed me back.
"It's over." was the subject line.
It hurt. She was bleeding.
"I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. Just tell me what to do, please."
I gave her what advice I could. Take the morning after pill. Keep an eye on her period. Make an appointment with a gyno. Talk to her parents. And break up with her boyfriend.
After I made sure she had taken the pill, we never talked again. It's been almost three years since it happened. When I tell friends this tale, they tell me that I did all I could. She was just a scared girl who needed an earpiece. We cannot save others from themselves if they don't want it. It's time to put this to rest. And in my head, I know that they are right.
But I still blame myself.
If only I had been more persuasive. If only I had said the right things. In my sad, little mind, my only consolation is the possibility that this was all an elaborate prank by some random stranger on the Internet who wanted to troll some chump. I guess they succeeded.
And in my heart, I hate a boy that I have never met.
But is it his fault? We live in a strange, terrible world where people can be traded like chattel and breeding stock. I'm ever fortunate to live in a country where I can be considered, should be considered, the equal of a man, but sometimes, it's not always the case. There are children who are hurting each other because a person has the power to force another to give up their body in perverse unwanted ways. And maybe no one ever taught him otherwise. To him, it was just ok. She was his girlfriend, and it was his right.
By textbook definition, she wasn't raped. She said yes. She consented. And somehow, that makes it ok.
I guess this is the part where I direct you to the cause. But it's really more than a simple cause for me. I didn't even know her. Nothing happened to me. But it is a memory that I will always have to live with.
Anyway. I encourage you to check out the following:
Project Unbreakable is a beautiful, tragic, and simple site meant to raise awareness about sexual abuse.
A Safe World For Women is a group of non-profits focused on social equality around the world.
I can't force you to care. I can't force you to think about any of this. But I can ask.
Until the next.
***
***
***
Addendum: I want to clarify, now, that I am not ignoring the rape of men and transgendered people. Rape, ANY rape, is horrendous and should not be shuffled off because of misguided shame. This story just happened to be about a girl, and by current statistics, a woman is more likely to be the victim of sexual abuse than a man.
"By textbook definition, she wasn't raped. She said yes. She consented. And somehow, that makes it ok."
ReplyDeleteThis is actually incorrect. Coercion by force, or threat of force, is still not legal consent. She was raped. By all accounts. Including legally.
I have a haunting I-should-have-done-more experience as well. I overheard 2 under-15 year olds talking about their eating & bathroom habits in a manner that was clearly anorexic. The conversation got too detailed and soon turned to what their longest span of days without eating was and the fact that they didn't understand why you still have to pee when you don't eat for multiple days. I had to jump in and try to give some biologically healthy advise about metabolism. We were in a crowded coffee shop and clearly a lot of people were listening to their conversation and no one else said anything. I feel I should have said more, maybe offered my emailed address like you did, since clearly they had questions/needed guidance but didn't have anyone to talk to. but it was a brief encounter that ended when I was next at the cash register.
ReplyDeleteMembers in my family have had problems with anorexia for various reasons and it was always covered up and laughed about. I wanted to help those girls and let them know that someone cares about them but didn't know how.
It's not your fault, just as it isn't her fault. It doesn't matter how we define it or who's right in how to label it. All that matters is how the victim feels about what happened, as that will follow them all of their life; and that others are educated to feel empowered to realize that they have every right to say no. Hopefully your story will help other individuals to help others.
ReplyDelete