In Which Felicity LARPS

Today's post comes to you by way of GGKK's inadvertent suggestion (dude, I just recently realized that those were your initials, post-marriage.)

I like Jane Austen, quite a lot.  Like most of the vagina-bearing population, Pride & Prejudice is one of my favorite books of all time.  I've watched 3 different versions of it in film form, and I have squee'd over Regency outfits while musing what it would be like to meet a Mr. Darcy.  However, never at any point in my life, have I ever actually wanted to live out my own Austen-inspired story.

Welp.  Now i don't have to wonder.  I've found the perfect film that sums up how the whole experience would go.

Dear readers, I introduce you to Austenland.

Originally, I had thoughts of talking about something a little more somber tonight, but after yesterday's block text, and on the offhand recommendation from GK, I made a last minute decision to give this film a go.  

For the unaware, here's a little background info -- while written by Jerusha Hess (I don't' know who that is either.  Apparently she and her husband did Napoleon Dynamite.  ...Everything makes so much more sense now), it was produced by Stephanie Meyer.

Stephanie "Vampire skin crystallizes in sunlight" Meyer.

So, armed with my good friends, Bad Decisions and No Regrets, I dove headlong in.

Just so we're clear, the lemon vodka was Bad Decisions

The basic premise goes thusly:  main character is addict-levels of obsessed with Jane Austen novels.  She finds this sort of Austenworld in England and rushes off to find happiness, only to discover that fantasies are never quite what you hope for in real life.

Yup.  2-3 shots should about cover me for the 90 minute run time.

P.S. - I don't think it really needs to be said, but - Spoiler Alert.

The film wastes no time introducing us to our main character, Jane Hayes (oh, cute.  It's called Austenland, and the main character's name is Jane.  I hate myself already), played by Keri Russell, who is so awkwardly into P&P that she pushes off her boyfriend during sexy times to watch a Colin Firth Mr. Darcy walking about in a wet undershirt.  Frankly, that's my idea of porn, but to each her own.  The movie makes a very distinct point of showing that Jane-Felicity is utterly socially awkward and disconnected with reality.  She wears regency style clothes while out to a burger joint with her best friend, is happiest in her Jane Austen lit class at university, and has a full-sized rasterbation of Mr. Darcy that she occasionally feels the need to smooch with.  By the time the introduction of the first conflict rolls around (Jane's decision to spend her life savings to go gallivanting off to Austenland) her best friend has done the "normal" thing by settling down and having kids (she is very visibly pregnant.  Subtle, movie.  Very subtle.)

Anyway, so Jane discovers this little corner of England, run by the rather overbearing and uber-judgmental Lady Catherine de Bourgh Lady Wattlesbrook, where a woman gets to live as if she is in an Austen novel for a few days (weeks?  I dunno, time passes oddly here).  Janeylicity leaves in a heartbeat, flying off to London in regency costume (no, seriously)

While waiting for the shuttle, she meets her first companion, a woman who is only known to us as Elizabeth Charming (each woman receives a pseudo-surname).  Oh dear god, it is Paulette from Legally Blonde, and she's forgotten that she's in a different movie.

She's even stolen the wardrobe from the set.

So they arrive, and Jane discovers apparently there are multiple levels of packages.  Paulette Elizabeth, and the other guest (who is so irritating and totally unimportant as a character that I will not even name her) have both purchased the platinum level, while Jane unknowingly bought the common level.  She receives the plain pseudonym of Jane Erstwhile and is to live in the servants' quarters during her stay.  Even a second-rate citizen in your own fantasy.  Womp, womp.

Also introduced is Martin the all-encompassing servant/stable boy/chauffeur, because we literally see no other waitstaff in this entire film.  And... Wait.  Wait.  OH MY GLOB, IT'S BRET FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS

IT'S BUSINESS TIIIIIME

It's made pretty clear from the get go that he's going to spend most of his time hitting on her because of... reasons.  Which, I mean, ok, I'm cool with this because Bret McKenzie, but this is Austenland, so Jane needs herself an Austen-type male foil.  And hence, we are presented with Mr. Henry Nobley, the very obvious Mr. Darcy character in this charade.  In fact, you can actually see the exact moment in time where Jane sets eyes on Nobley and makes mental note that he is the Darcy, and therefore the appropriate target.  Of course, in proper Austenian fashion, right off the bat, Jane and Nobley have a brief tiff at dinner which ends with Jane rather coolly throwing in a, "Well, it would be a shame if my first impression of you proved correct."  

Calling it now - they are going to be making babies before the end of the movie.

Anyway, from there on, stuff just sort of... happens.  Martin wastes very little time in wooing Jane, and despite her overwhelming love for Austenian stuff, she's drawn to this man who cares not for keeping up the appearance of an 1800s servant and all the roleplaying whatnot.  They get to the giggity, but literally a day later, Martin flips out at her because he sees her flirting with the other characters and is disappointed that she is falling for all the acting.  Well.  Yes, Martin.  That is what she paid her life savings for.  

Martin then disappears for the length of a bible, which gives Jane time to develop a plot arc with the stoic Mr. Nobley.  Much like his inspiration, he's cool toward all the ladies and has little time for all the frivolities, but he finds himself oddly attracted to the awkward, independent Jane.  They begin falling for each other, but Jane still finds herself holding a torch for Martin.  

Wait.  What?  She does?  Why?  They were an item for the length of a mayfly's lifespan before Martin showed himself as mistrustful and unreliable, abandoning her at the drop of a hat.  

More stuff happens... no amount of alcohol would have prepared me for how much this movie jumped around, throwing in little items that made very, very little impact on the rest of everything.  At one point, Elizabeth Madame Bovary Charming sort of helps Jane be less awkward (...somehow...?) and suddenly ALL the male characters spontaneously have boners around her, reminding us painfully that this was produced by Stephanie I-love-Mary-Sues Meyer.  None of the secondary characters make a particularly long appearance outside of some cute little one-off moments, but let's be honest.  There are three characters in this film - Jane, Nobley, and Martin, who is even less present than the non-essentials except to introduce MOAR CONFLICT.

Anywho, climax time.  The end-of-term ball rolls around, and Jane finds herself increasingly attracted to Nobley.  However, just as he is about to confess his affections for her, Martin complicates things by reaffirming his own feelings for her.  Jane rejects Nobley, saying that she wants something real, thereby rejecting her childish adoration for her fantasy world.  Sorta saw that coming, but still, I admittedly cheered for her a little.  

So the Austenland affair draws to a close, but the film certainly does not.  As Jane is leaving, she does an exit interview with the owner, when she learns -- PLOT TWIST! -- Martin was actually an actor, and it was scripted from the outset that her Jane Erstwhile character was supposed to end up with him.  That little bit of truth out in the open, Nobley tries to confess to her that he has real feelings for her, but Jane is so disillusioned that she can't accept anything from him and flies back to the States, jaded and broken.

Back home, she throws away all her Austen memorabilia and calls up her friend to let her know that she's all grown up and You have no power over me!  

...Wait, no.  Wrong movie.

Obligatory package comment.

Preggo friend says she going to come over to celebrate when she hears a knock at her door.  Is it her friend?

No, it's Henry Nobley!  And -- DOUBLE PLOT TWIST -- Nobley isn't actually an actor!  He's a history professor that his aunt (Austenland's owner) called in to stand in for a third eligible bachelor at the last minute, and he's truly fallen deeply in love with Jane.  

So.  This money-grubbing succubus who leeches money from desperate Austenites can't afford to pay a real actor last minute?  Even a third-rate one?  Didn't see that one coming, maybe because it's a deus-ex/plot-hole combo breaker so massive that it defies logic.  (Actually, in fairness, in hindsight, they do hint at it a number of times, but what?)

Anywho, all's well that ends well.  Jane realizes she actually loves Nobley, Paulette Elizabeth American Stereotype in Magenta buys Austenland and turns it into a proper regency stripshow (as it was always really meant to be), and Martin can't get laid.  

I've not been able to successfully watch a RomCom in about 10 years.  A lot of this is my fault because I've let myself get so... picky about films.  Taken at face value, Austenland isn't a bad movie.  It's very confused at times, tending to jump around and come very close to contradicting itself, but at heart, its a cute movie about moving past fantasies and first impressions, which is what it initially set out to do.  For the open-minded, it could potentially be a rather enjoyable film.

Maybe next time I'll try 4 shots instead.

Until the next.